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Alice Reviews?

Hello?  Is it me you’re looking for?  Lionel Richie maybe?  Where is he anyway?  Alive, hopefully, or this is is awkward.

Good news, I am alive!  I thought about making a post so many times.  I had so many post  ideas – they were great posts, wonderful posts.  I was going to review stuff like hurricanes. I hear they’re wet.  Or maybe just movies. I did review a few with the help of my Things and tiny wooden people.  You can see them if you look back.  Also, I got a lot of prep stuff for reviews like beauty masks (there are pictures I promise I will show one day including one with me wearing, I am not making this up, a penguin on my face) and make up and movies, etc.

The Things and I played with the prep stuff, but then did nothing with it.  It takes time to take pictures of little peg people and we were like, busy.  Or they were with school, and activities and staring at their laptops and stuff.  I was busy contemplating the universe, or possibly hoping my meds would work and then we got Netflix along with Amazon Prime, and the streaming Roku thing we already had, and that was that.  I’m not sure how Roku, or streaming, or Netflix works. I have multiple degrees, but those are in useful crap like liberal arts.  So I figure it’s like electricity – little fairies carrying T.V. programs and such fly across invisible wires to my television.  Well, sometimes.  Sometimes the fairies get lazy and I have to call those Internet people.  Freaking fairies.

I’m not actually stupid, I just don’t like researching electronics.  Just in case you recently got here and don’t know me.  Also the Things are my children.  And I have mythical friends named Sad Pony and Squirrel.  They say I’m sane.

What was I going to say here?  Hang on, there’s a point, unless you’re my husband in which case you gave up a while ago.  Oh, right, about the Things, and if you just got here, etc.  I recently – I think it was 2018 – said that I should start over with a new blog because I had changed so much in the last year and blah blah pretentious blah.  So I did start over, and then did nothing.

And then I realized that I hadn’t ever really changed after all.  I’m still Alice, and as far as I can tell, I pretty much still have the same personality as long as I am taking the right meds, etc., that I did when I was twelve.  Maybe this should have changed by now, I’m not sure, but I don’t really care cause I think it’s okay as it is.  Also, the whole idea of trying to make a blog where I only review things because that would be more organized was a bad idea.  I’m not organized.  It’s just not happening.

I pondered whether I should give up the whole blogging thing cause I was no longer funny, or no one wanted to read it, or if after forty I should do stuff like normal adults.  Whatever that is.  Cleaning, I think, and working a normal 40 hour job in which I get roughly 3 hours of work done a day and spend the rest of the time wishing I was at home.  Instead I am ferrying high school students (TWO of them) around and watching TV and buying health products cause I’m sure I’ll go to the gym if I have the right leggings.

But the blog posts never go away – I still write them in my head all the time.  That’s why my counselor originally said to write it down, since my angst according to her was funny.  Yes, this has all been a mental health exercise for me.  Yay you, reader.  I hope there’s a reader or two.  But I guess that’s not the most important thing, since I used to write like crazy even when my only readers were my best friend and this Indian guy who liked very large American women in patriotic bikinis according to his blog site.

So I’m going to do that again!  Uh, blog that is!  And I’m going to do it back on Aliceatwonderland cause I’m Alice, and on that blog you just know I’m Alice and that’s why.  Also I understand more of how to use that blog format.  So I’m going back there.  If you follow the link, you’ll find my old / new blog and a version of this post (it will be like time travel). 

So I spent all that blathering to say I’m going back to my old blog and leaving this one, though I’ll eventually transfer posts over before I abandon it, and I am going back to blogging.  I promise I will post at least once every 3 months or so!  Also, I will try to read blogs if they interest me. I have a short attention span (think reality TV) so I’ll do my best and all.  

I hope to just have some fun and maybe get out some more angst and that sort of thing.  If someone still wants to read, come on over.  I might even wear a patriotic bikini.

Just follow the link for fun and adventure.  Or something.

~Alice

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Marvel Movie Reviews: Iron Man I

IM Payoff 1sht

 

Iron Man is the story of Tony Stark, the self-described “Billionaire, genius, playboy, philanthropist” who inherited lots of money and a big weapons manufacturing company from his father.  Mom and Dad died violently when the rich little genius, who is also super good with tech and building stuff, was a pouty teen, so most of the company was placed in the hands of his dad’s totally responsible partner until he came of age.

 

tony young and dead parents
Young billionaire Tony is sad for his mom.

 

I’m not talking about Batman, so shut up.  This is Iron Man, and there are actually a few differences.  Tony wears armor, not a skin tight bat suit with nipples, saves his broodiness for when the booze wears off, and is not afraid to reveal his identity to everyone he knows, because while highly intelligent, he has the forethought of a hamster.  He works on his inventions in a “man cave”, not a literal cave, cause while he’s unbalanced, he is anything but socially isolated.  He’s funny, charming, obnoxious, great with insincere party people, and as his story goes on through each film, capable of character growth.  It helps when you start at rock bottom.

 

Wowie
Iron Man armor shows no nipples. Batman armor shows nipples. No contest.

 

In the beginning, we see Tony (Robert Downey, Jr.) avoiding another award’s ceremony in his honor by playing at a casino, drinking heavily, and flirting with women.  The women naturally fall at his feet, cause he’s rich and handsome and Robert freaking Downey, Jr.  Except for one woman, his private secretary Ms. Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow and yeah that’s really the character’s name), who is stuck cleaning up his messes including shooing out his one night stands for him in the morning.  That definitely falls under “and other duties as assigned”.

 

tony and girls
Tony can’t help it if he’s beautiful.

 

Since his company, Stark Industries, is promoting a new giant missile called Jericho he has designed for the U.S. Army, he decides it would be a jaunt to go to Afghanistan to show it off, cause if there’s one thing they like over there, it’s rich white Americans.  Though his military friend, Rhodey (Terrence Howard), warns him to stay with more protection, he prefers to ride in the “Fun-vee” as if he’s on a ride at Disneyland, while he entertains the army guys with talk of parties and himself.  Guess what’s about to happen; you are never going to guess.

 

tony funvee talk

tony funvee boom

Yup, boom, the jeep is attacked and Tony is blown out – right beside a missile with the name of his own company scrawled upon it.  He doesn’t have time to say “irony sucks” before it then blows up and he’s injured again, right in his cold little heart.

tony BOMBBB
Just great.

 

He wakes up in a cave filled with terrorists instead of bats.  They aren’t very nice terrorists either, but say they’ll let him live if he will only build them that great missile he was advertising earlier.  Tony kinda thought that weapon was being built for the U.S. military only, instead of being sold to bad guys.  Like who does that?

 

tony and terrorists
Tony is a bit out of his comfort zone.

 

Luckily, he has help from the mentor-doctor-inventor-you-just-know-is-gonna-die guy, Yinsen – a fellow captor who saw that Tony had shrapnel headed for his heart, so naturally stuck a big electromagnet in his chest.  Makes sense to me.  They both know the terrorists won’t let them live, so they create an arc reactor to power the magnet to keep the shrapnel from reaching Tony’s heart.  Cause they just did, that’s how.  Also, instead of building a missile, they start work on a flying suit of weaponized armor out of spare parts. (I guess Tony had just been thinkin’ this up in his spare time and thought, gonna die, why not try it?)

 

tony and dying mentor
Yinsen gives Tony sage advice.

 

Luckily these terrorists aren’t that perceptive despite the cameras in the cave, so they almost get away with it till the last minute.  Yinsen dies helping Tony escape, and Tony flies off in his tin can super armor after burning lots of terrorists with his armor’s fire shooters.  Cause he just did, that’s how.

He crash lands in the desert and breaks his suit, but luckily Rhodey soon finds him in a helicopter and takes him home.  They just leave the armor bits, I mean, what can be done with spare parts and crap?  Tony was deeply affected by nearly getting blown up by his own weapons and getting tortured and forced to hammer stuff while showing off his muscles for three months, so he decides his company should take a new direction and stop selling weapons.  This goes over about as well as the head of the NRA saying he now wants to fund global warming research, so lots of people are mad at him, especially his Dad’s old partner and his trusted mentor, Obidiah Stane, who has been running most of the company while Tony partied and played with inventions in his man cave.

 

tony conference
This is gonna go well!

 

Guess who’s gonna be the new bad guy?

Tony builds another way cooler looking suit with a better power supply in secret in his man cave.  The only one really supportive of him is Pepper (her real name is Virginia but why would you still go by – nevermind) who likes that he’s not as big of an a-hole since he returned.  She takes the old arc thingy and puts it in a nice case saying “Proving Tony Stark has a heart”.  That is, she does after having to yank out the old one from his chest (pop!) and help replace it with the new one (and other duties as assigned!) while arguing with him and freaking out simultaneously.  She is totally not going to be his love interest.

 

pepper unplugs tony
Nothing more romantic than sticking your hand in your boss’s chest cavity.

 

After finding out he wasn’t invited to his company’s charity event, he actually shows up and dances with Pepper, and she worries that she forgot her deodorant and I just love that about her, and they go to the balcony and almost kiss, but Tony chickens out and goes to the bar where he meets the reporter he slept with in the beginning but forgot about instantly.  She has good info though, namely that oh-oh, more of his weapons have been delivered to those terrorists that held him hostage, and are being used to attack his dead doctor mentor pal’s village.  Then Tony learns that Obidiah (never trust Jeff Bridges) has been selling his arms to criminals worldwide this whole time, and is now taking over his company.  That’s not a very good mentor.

So Tony flies back to Afghanistan in his new shiny armor (bright red and gold for maximum stealth!), and saves the villagers with super cool effects.  He gets shot at by military jets on his way back, cause they’re like wtf is that on the radar, but tells pal Rhodey (of course he’s there) who he is, and manages to get home with only a few dozen bullet holes in the armor.

 

Tony flying ignore the wire!
Tony flying! What wire??? And yeah, that’s totally the new red armor.

 

Meanwhile those wacky terrorists (they’re called the 10 Rings, cause they really like Tolkien) gather all those spare armor parts Tony left in the desert, along with his plans, and give them to Obidiah who kills them in gratitude and reverse engineers his own bulky armor suit.  Pepper hacks into the company computer and finds out old Obi also wanted the terrorists to kill Tony (he really should have found better terrorists), so she tells an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., an intelligence agency (more on them later on), about that rotten Obidiah jerk.

Since Obidiah’s scientists can build the suit but can’t figure out the arc reactor thingy, he goes to the source, giving Tony a temporary paralytic and yanking his reactor out of his chest.  Pop!  Ouch.  He can’t help gloating about how he no longer has to help the rich brat anymore, and oh yeah, he’s gonna kill Pepper cause he really hates spices.  Also she knows about him.  Then he leaves Tony alone, cause he’s no smarter than the terrorists.

 

tony gets unplugged by bad guy
Not again.

 

Despite looking like road kill, Tony drags himself back to the lab once the stuff wears off, takes the old reactor Pepper saved in the award and shoves that back in his chest.  Kinda like shoving one of those round pegs in a round hole – you learn it in kindergarten.  Former mentor has a more powerful suit since he took his fancy new reactor though, and their fight takes them to the top of Stark Tower, where he beats the crap out of Tony a while (this is to become a recurring theme), until Tony gets Pepper to overload the large arc reactor powering the building (oh yeah arc reactors do that too – with clean energy!) causing an electrical surge that drops old Obi into the exploding reactor.  Boom.

 

tony blows up bad guy
ZAPPPP! Oops, I overloaded the darn circuit.

 

The next day Tony holds a press conference where he tells the world he is what the press has dubbed “Iron Man”.  Beats buying a pair of glasses.

Iron Man made a lot of money, so Marvel decided Tony still has a long, LONG, way to go to learn to adult, so stay tuned for the sequel, Iron Man II.

~ Alice

 

Marvel Movie Reviews: The Props

In order to review a movie like I’m gonna review a movie (really!) it helps to have images.  I often get these from Google – the ones with no copyright protection of course – as far as I know.  My kids and I have also acted out weird stuff with dolls.  So it just seemed natural to try to combine it all.  Wait, don’t go yet.

First off, there are the pictures.  It’s possible my Pinterest has one or two of these photos.

robert downey jr
Robert Downey, Jr.

He is definitely the very best movie prop.  Oh, but there’s more.

My Things and I recently discovered some intricately painted little figures to represent the Marvel universe characters.  The likenesses are astounding.

Pin mates cap and iron man
They’re spectacular!

You might be thinking these guys look just a little like the Fisher Price Little People from back in the 60’s, 70’s, etc.  These are COLLECTIBLES, though, made by Bif Bang Pow (the company) and called pin mates.  As you can see from the box only those 14 and up are recommended to play with them.  Which makes total sense to me.  Luckily we are old enough – physically anyway.  At least we have never put them in our mouths.

The two represented are Captain America and Iron Man as played by Chris Evans and Robert Downey, Jr.  If you squint a little.  And forget that they have no movable arms or discernible legs.  You have to admit that the goatee is pretty awesome.  Naturally I had to get these guys, along with quite a few other super hero pegs as you can get them for very cheap if you frequent Amazon more than you should.

They didn’t make enough to represent ALL the characters, though, so we had to improvise.  Now when some people see these cute wooden peg dolls, they might think of the charming little families they could make with them.

doll army
We saw an ARMY!

So we got some of those in order to make some left out characters, as well as possible cannon fodder for the many battles.  There is also a wooden plane from Walmart Thing Two assembled and painted- only the best for these reviews.

Luckily we have some old props to use for important buildings, as well as a new one.  This one’s made totally out of sturdy paper, but you’d never know it.

iron man papercraft
It’s like being in Iron Man the movie!

Seen here is the workshop for Iron Man, which reverses to make his swanky apartment!  Also there are box headed robots.  They seem to have forgotten the stock of alcohol in the apartment, but we’ll let that go.

As far as explosions, you’ll just never guess how we accomplish those.  We’re getting firecrackers and matches ready.  Stay tuned!

~ Alice

 

 

 

Avengers’ Addiction: a Review of the Marvel Cinematic Universe

Marvel3
Did you notice us?

I’ve been on ice for a while, but I’m back to talk about one of my latest obsessions: all them Marvel superhero movies.  In case you’re not sure what Marvel is, it’s a comic book company.  About ten years ago, they decided to turn these comics into movies, at least two of the suckers a year usually, with moderate (bazillions of dollars) success.

There are two big companies of comic books: D.C. and Marvel.  When I was a little girl, my big brother used to read his D.C. comic books to me and I loved them.  I could read by then, but he had the best voices.  D.C. comics include superheroes like Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Krypto the Super Dog (really).  Most people know these superheroes whether they’ve ever seen a comic or not.

superdog
The wonder, the majesty . . . the Superdog!

So Marvel was new to me, and while D.C. booted and rebooted movies to varying success, you didn’t hear that much of Marvel.  Then Disney got them, and no one brands crap like Disney does.  Some people were worried about what Disney would do with this franchise, just as they now worry about their recent acquisition of Fox.  That’s the Fox network, not Fox and Friends, though I would love to see Mickey and Donald delivering angry reports of “fake news” in the Disney kingdom with their squeaky voices.

In the case of Marvel, the tale of the Avengers, a super hero team, worked out very well.  I know many people think superhero movies are just about hypogonadal (fun word!) sexist men, scantily clad girls with the power of baking, and lots and lots of explosions for no good reason.  I’ll have you know there is more than that in these movies.  Yeah there are muscle bound men.  Very nice-looking, muscle-bound guys who sometimes feel the need to take off their shirts, because those things are tight.  I’m not opposed to this.  And of the few women there is one who lets her zipper slide on her skin tight uniform, but like, she’s a SPY, so it’s part of the job.

black widow hawkeye
Dude, stop spying my boobs.

As far as explosions – okay you’ve got me there.  And there’s bad guys to fight, though in the mean time they are really good at fighting with each other.  That is part of the fun of these movies.  There is a lot of humor, and the kind of bickering you’d expect from a team of super powered egos trying to just get along and play nice.   Yet there’s not so much humor that it takes away from the actual drama you can find – wait, I’m serious.  There is realism to be found in the heroes of fantasy.  They have actual character, they grow and change, make and break friendships and romances, and even have family members, including two with children.  The Marvel Cinematic Universe, as it is dramatically called, makes you identify with these people, because under all the bizarre super powers, freaky armor, and spandex, these are people.

The movies started back in 2008 with Iron Man.  Some might think it’s a lot of repeat drivel, but over the past ten years Marvel has created a story arc lasting ten years and 19 movies, connecting each movie, and culminating in the recent Infinity War.  That’s pretty impressive.  I’ve been re-watching the movies, and it makes even more sense when you have fresh perspective on each one. Yeah, I said “makes sense” regarding superhero movies.  Maybe I’ve seen too many.  Nah.

rdjr eye roll

The writing is good, the actors have amazing chemistry with one another, and best of all, while they seek to tell greater truths none of the movies take themselves too seriously, with characters sometimes relating the weirdness of the entire thing within the movie.  So I’ve blathered on enough about my love of super heroes.  Stay tuned for reviews of each movie, complete with my usual snark. For while I love these movies, I do recognize the silliness of them too, and it’s too much fun not to talk about the movies, as well as the massive amount of Avengers merchandise I may have purchased some of, for the sake of the blog, guys.

So strap on your armor and straighten your capes, we’re gonna dive into Superville.

~ Alice

 

Alice Reviews Lots of Crap

Hi ho, Alice here and I’m ready for some good old bashing reviewing of just about anything.  Over the years, in my first blog, I reviewed songs and videos, children’s TV, Disney movies, Game of Thrones, horrible books especially 50 Shades of . . . Grey, and even offered my fabulous opinions on products you should definitely not get your child, or anyone else, for various holidays.

I also wrote about all other sorts of things in my life, but I’m trying to narrow that just a bit to what I feel I do best: review and complain about the works of others.  It’s like deciding on the career of career counselor because you can’t think of anything else to do.  I plan to do my best to critique all entertainment, including politics of course, for your benefit.  You’re welcome.

trump-vs-hillary-3
Who didn’t just love those wacky debates?

There are few things I won’t subjugate myself to, dear readers.  I am willing to review almost anything.  I say “almost” because there is the possibility that something is worse than 50 Shades, though I have yet to find it.  I plan to add some old reviews in with my new ones.  If you’re a new reader, you won’t know, and if you came from my retired blog, you’ve probably forgotten, so win-win.

50shadeszombies
You can only hope to forget these books.

As far as new reviews go, I invite your suggestions.  Do you want to know if those bizarre mask things women put on their faces – not like superhero masks, but charcoal and honey and unicorn dust made into a thick paste designed to clear out your pores – really do anything?  Is there a movie, book, T.V. show, meme, youtube clip, political debate, fictional or not you’d like to know more about?  I specialize in the truly awful, but don’t mind dipping into the good things, because even good things have some delightful goofiness to them.

Possible topics: Marvel movies, wacky songs and videos, new and classic books (the more irritating or dumber the better), Star Wars movies new and old, Disney films, Lifetime movies, anything from T.L.C., Game of Thrones (I do need to catch up on that), teen dramas, 50 Shades movies (God help me), P.B.S. (whether penguins or those charming kiddie shows that make you want to screw a nail into your ear), and the many promising products out there that are sure to change your life.  Like this one.

weird toys1 egg baby
I love how uneasy the fish looks

 

Just let me know.  And meanwhile, sit back, relax, and (I hope) enjoy.

Alice

blanket-for-me
I like to review from my blanket fort.